invisibly shaken.

Spending a couple hours with you, I found that you made me feel like I belong somewhere. You made me feel  happy. I couldn't wipe the smile from my face when I was near you. You made me laugh.  This was a devastating blow.

I know you're all thinking, the last sentence doesn't belong, it pains me to tell you it does.

I shouldn't be devastated. Or hurt. Or frustrated.

The reason why i'm so hurt and frustrated (and why my throat hurts from groaning at myself, and why my hand is sore from hitting my steering wheel so hard, and why my head hurts from sobbing) is because, it's so easy for me to love him. I just can't help it. And I knowingly set myself up for the hurt of the after math, as i've been beginning to realize lately, that I can't have his love in return. I honestly have no idea exactly how he feels about me, he's never said. but even if he loves me the way I find myself loving him. (which I think he does, otherwise we wouldn't keep finding gravity pulling us towards each other) he's put up walls. walls that are there for good reason. walls to keep us from getting to attached to each other, in a time of life where attachement could lead to catastrophe, and regret. but even understanding the motives of the walls completely. it still breaks my heart in a way that i'm not sure I can fully explain. other than, it's so hard knowing the boy I love, I can't have.

 I need to tell him how I feel. He thinks i'm angry at him. But I don't know how to explain to him. How do I state that i'm angry at myself for loving him, and not being able to let him go?


All heartbreaks are awful, but this has been the worst by far. In the words of dear Rodney i'm invisibly shaken.

a sense of belonging.

lately i've lacked feeling of belonging. anywhere. not even at home.
let me explain.
at home, i'm rarely there. my room is no longer going to belong to me at the end of the summer after i officially move out. and i've come to notice that my family is moving forward with their lives without a bat of an eyelash, or a thought about me going away, or being gone. home the way i know it. isn't how i know it. it's how i knew it.
living in logan, staying at my aunts house as been great. and i'm so grateful they have takin me in. but. i'm having a hard time being a guest. i'm longing to feel comfortable. to be able to walk around in my underwear in the mornings, because i can.
friends? i miss my friends terribly. in fact more than i thought i ever would. i hate having no one to talk to. i'm longing to do something with someone over the age of ten. i spend way to much time by myself. and my cousin my age has been kind enough to invite me to do stuff with him and his friends. but, i hate being the awkward third wheel. i want my best friends at home. the ones i'm comfortable with. the ones who know i'm crazy. and love to have fun.

today it's hard to grow up. and it's hard to cope with change. it's overwhelming me. overwhelming to the point where i just cry.

i guess that's just a part of growing up. 

missing you.

I've been wanting to have a summer fling since the summer after eighth grade, when I had my first fling ever. But that's not the summer I'd like to tell you about. In fact I try to sharpie out that summer in my poor brain. But the summer I'm talking about is the present. the now. like today. I wouldn't say I've had a fling. But I've fallen for a boy. I couldn't tell you if it's love. Because I'm not really sure what love is. (I'm only 18. I still have a life to figure that out. right?) But I'd like to think it's somewhere close to love. I'd like to think it's young love. Love that's not ready for commitment. But a love that has made us close friends, that keeps us finding our way back to each other. If that makes any sense at all. But here's the part where it all gets complicated. I'm in the process of moving 2 hours away. That leaves us weekends like the past weekend. When we went for a sunday drive. so we could catch up. we talked about life. and we laughed and had fun. And the way he kissed me goodbye made me swoon uncontrollably, it almost made me cry. Because it wasn't for certain when we would be able to see each other again. I'm going to miss him terribly.  I wanted to live in that moment forever. I wanted every night to end that way. But life has a different plan. And the plan is sending me off to logan. And keeping him here for a short couple of months until he leaves on his mission. I'm terrified. So many things can happen in two years. I try not to think about it. But on days like today it seems to consume me. It's hard going a week without seeing him. let alone two years. But i've also come to notice the time that separates us has made the time we are together more special. So maybe there's not a lot to worry about. right? I don't know I'm in a sticky situation. that has no right or wrong answers. and right now. All I can say is, I miss him terribly. And it's only been two days since I've seen him. 

ohh the places you'll go.

i'm moving. 

and i thought i was ready.

but,

now i'm not so sure.

i'm not good at goodbyes.

and i'm definitely not ready to say goodbye to all my friends.

this hit me yesterday. 

as i was having maybe my last summer party with some of my close friends.

which i really hope it wasn't the last.

hopefully when i come home on weekends.. i'll still see all these hooligans.

because i really will miss them all terribly!

my life is going to change so much in the next couple weeks, it's unfathomable. 

i'm feeling a mix of emotions.

i'm scared out of my mind.

i'm so excited i can't contain it.

i'm anxious i'll be lonely.

i'm ready to adventure.

i'm scared i'll fail.

i'm dying to live a life of my own.

i'm not ready to let go of the life i live now.

i want to meet new people.

i don't want to lose the people i'm leaving behind.

i want to be independent.

i still want to be dependent.

i think, i'm going to be okay with the move, eventually. 

just not at this particular moment. 

here's to the new adventure. ready or not.

dear boy.

i wanted things to work out more than you could ever imagine. i was happy and content with you. even though things were never what you'd say "official". but when things didn't work out, it felt completely different how it ended, than it had when you'd broke up with me so long ago before. and everyone around me thinks that things didn't work out because that's just how you are. but i don't necessarily agree. in fact i don't agree at all. because it did feel different.  i really believe that it didn't work out for good reasons. like you said, you have a mission to prepare for. and i wouldn't dream of holding you back from your duty to the lord. and i am moving away in a matter of weeks.. or possibly even days. and i'll be meeting new people. we are both going to grow and change immensely.   don't get me wrong , it's still going to take sometime, in fact a lot of time, to get over you. and it's easier said than done trying my best to not be jealous when you talk to and date other girls. but i promise i'm working really hard on it. you also said we'd still be friends. i really think you meant that. even if we haven't talked in what seems like ages. but i'm holding to the fact that you did say we would still be friends. so i'm might take that liberty and write to you on your mission. hopefully you don't think that's weird or awkward. because i really want to. and maybe, i am a little curious to see what might happen after your mission. until then i'm not holding grudges, by staying hurt and mad. i'm going to consider you a good friend. and just leave it at that. 

for now. 

lately i've found that i wish i could write something beautiful.
but nothing comes to mind.

.

my heart is broken. but not in a way it's been broke before. i'm not even really sure i can explain it. but i'm going to try. because i need to vent about it. i can't let it weigh down on me anymore. i broke one of my best friends hearts. and in the process of breaking his. mine was broken. (not that i have a right to even be sad about this.. after all it is my fault..)  it could have been those small things you said to me that caused me to choke on tears, wondering why? why on earth you'd say that. after all we'd been through. or it could have been the fact that when i saw you at school for the first time since we'd ended things, that i still got that giddy flip flop feeling when i saw you. only to have it wrenched from me, like a bully stealing candy from a small toddler. because i realized, you didn't want to talk to me.. i thank you for being polite and at least saying hi to me. and showing me your awful sunburn. i am so grateful for that small tender mercy you gave me. maybe it's just killing me, because i thought i was okay. but in all reality.. i'm not.. i've been an emotional wreck today. crying on and off. realizing i've lost one of my very best friends. and knowing it's my fault. 

drama.

i didn't ask for this to happen. 

it just.

did.

a place in this world? or maybe just the high school..

have you ever felt like you're trying so hard to fit in? well i'm sure everyone has felt that way. but have you ever felt like you're trying to fit in with your close friends? the close friends that you can slowly see drifting away from you? this is about where i am in life. i don't know why. but i am. slowly one by one this year my friends have found bigger and better things. that being a boyfriend, a group of cooler kids to hang out with, or moving up the totem pole. somehow i got lost in the shuffle. school is a battle. i have plenty of friends. i've actually made new friends too. but, i don't have a group of friends. i'm in this awkward limbo where you don't have an automatic in (to any of the groups of people you talk to). it's that awkwardness when you don't know if you're invited or not. so should you just show up? or should you ask if you can come? or do you just awkwardly stand there and see if they'll invite you? i honestly hate it. so then i ask myself. "Why are you trying so hard to fit in? why are you chasing something that you can't catch up to?"then my reply to myself is. "even though you've been hurt, betrayed, and let down. you can't give up on friendships that mean the world to you. and you're not a quitter. and holding a grudge never helped anyone" so even if every day at school is a struggle for me to be the exciting friend i once was. i'm going to keep trying my best. and things will get better.

.

i hate feeling... lonely

alone?

not knowing what to do with yourself during lunch. because you have no friends. 

pros.. and.. cons..?

boy, i'm walking on thin ice for you. and any second i'm going to fall through. are you really worth it? this is where it get's complicated. because my head is screaming at me, get off the ice you stupid girl!!! when you fall in it's going to be freaking cold. and it's going to take more than the electric blanket you got for christmas, and a cup of kneaders hot chocolate to warm you back up. my head is really convincing. so i turn to go back to the safety of the shore, but then my heart butts in and stops me, and i remember the way i feel when you're  holding me in your arms. my heart is pretty convincing too. i look back, and i'm at a loss. i'm in limbo. i don't want to forget that feeling. and i don't want to fall into the icy water. a decision needs to be made. but that is easier said than done. are you going to let me fall through like you did the last time? when the ice cracked underneath me so unexpectedly. or will you catch me? it kills me to say i don't think you will. and i don't want to look like a fool when i come shivering out of the water, i can only imagine what my friends would be thinking about me.... "that's what you get for giving him a second chance." "we all saw that one coming.".... that would be hard seeing as i've been trying to convince myself that you're a different person then my friends think you are. and i want to believe myself. but how can i if i come out of that ice water, knowing that all those things my friends said about you were true. and i was just too caught up in everything to hear their advice. well boy,  i'm on the ice. so please don't let me fall in. is that to much for a girl to ask?