dear boy.

i wanted things to work out more than you could ever imagine. i was happy and content with you. even though things were never what you'd say "official". but when things didn't work out, it felt completely different how it ended, than it had when you'd broke up with me so long ago before. and everyone around me thinks that things didn't work out because that's just how you are. but i don't necessarily agree. in fact i don't agree at all. because it did feel different.  i really believe that it didn't work out for good reasons. like you said, you have a mission to prepare for. and i wouldn't dream of holding you back from your duty to the lord. and i am moving away in a matter of weeks.. or possibly even days. and i'll be meeting new people. we are both going to grow and change immensely.   don't get me wrong , it's still going to take sometime, in fact a lot of time, to get over you. and it's easier said than done trying my best to not be jealous when you talk to and date other girls. but i promise i'm working really hard on it. you also said we'd still be friends. i really think you meant that. even if we haven't talked in what seems like ages. but i'm holding to the fact that you did say we would still be friends. so i'm might take that liberty and write to you on your mission. hopefully you don't think that's weird or awkward. because i really want to. and maybe, i am a little curious to see what might happen after your mission. until then i'm not holding grudges, by staying hurt and mad. i'm going to consider you a good friend. and just leave it at that. 

for now. 

reality check.

i spent ten days in paradise. also known as lake powell.

however, against my will.

i was forced to return to reality.

also known  as pleasant grove.

and what was there to find in pg when i returned?

a total reality check.

life was no longer, waking up to the sound of a boat, or teenage boys having a war with spoons and coco puffs. i found that my days were no longer full of playing in the water, then basking in the sunlight until my skin became like a stove top, so i could return for more fun in the water. it was no longer having random dance parties, or eating food until i felt like a carp at rainbow bridge. it was no longer life in lake powell. 

what reality hit me with when i returned is no where near as pleasant.

in fact. 

it wasn't even pleasant.

i found that..

people can be immature, and hurtful.

when i have service.. about as many people text me as when i don't have service. hope you get that that means no one.

i find that i get so bored wandering around looking for something to do. so i cook. i hate cooking.

plus it's not good for my goal of being healthy. because cake bites are no where near healthy.

i blog. read blogs. start new blogs. 

pinterest. let's face it. that website is a vortex.

facebook. 

i need a summer hobby. 

pronto.

for a while there, i wasn't wanting to move to logan. but after this reality check. i can't wait to move and have a new adventure. and meet new people. 

 good thing i'm going to  logan tomorrow. 

even if ragnar is going to kill me.

photo attack.

 after 4 years of pushing myself to go to seminary, and doing more make up work than i should have had to do. I GRADUATED!!

 during seminary graduation.. we learned my brother can't be left alone. because we return home noticing my dog has an attempted mullet..

 i found out what it's like to be a muscle man. yay dry suits!

boating season here i come!!!

 finally my senior pictures were taken.. after months of asking for them.

and yes i got heels. and yes.. it makes me almost as tall as my dad. and i'm not going to say how tall that is... but i love them.








so that's pretty much my life as of late.

a place in this world? or maybe just the high school..

have you ever felt like you're trying so hard to fit in? well i'm sure everyone has felt that way. but have you ever felt like you're trying to fit in with your close friends? the close friends that you can slowly see drifting away from you? this is about where i am in life. i don't know why. but i am. slowly one by one this year my friends have found bigger and better things. that being a boyfriend, a group of cooler kids to hang out with, or moving up the totem pole. somehow i got lost in the shuffle. school is a battle. i have plenty of friends. i've actually made new friends too. but, i don't have a group of friends. i'm in this awkward limbo where you don't have an automatic in (to any of the groups of people you talk to). it's that awkwardness when you don't know if you're invited or not. so should you just show up? or should you ask if you can come? or do you just awkwardly stand there and see if they'll invite you? i honestly hate it. so then i ask myself. "Why are you trying so hard to fit in? why are you chasing something that you can't catch up to?"then my reply to myself is. "even though you've been hurt, betrayed, and let down. you can't give up on friendships that mean the world to you. and you're not a quitter. and holding a grudge never helped anyone" so even if every day at school is a struggle for me to be the exciting friend i once was. i'm going to keep trying my best. and things will get better.

aunt erma is visiting..

Lately life has been a roller coaster. a roller coaster of emotions. and i'm blaming this roller coaster on the fact that i'm on my period. (i know more information than anyone wanted to hear.. but this lovely thing women deal with once a month.. really has an effect on me..) period. aka, t.o.m. is not on good terms with me. we have a hate, hate relationship. it wrecks my body. literally. my body hurts so bad that i waddle around like a pregnant woman. it makes me emotional. i cry. i cry a lot when t.o.m visits. it also drains me of all energy. i am sooo tired. i nap. (and i hate naps). can you see how i'm a roller coaster of emotions? so i apologize if you have talked to me lately and i look like this...

because really.. this isn't an exaggeration from my point of view..

also.. laugh with me.. laugh real hard!

lately

just  a sum up of life as of late..

~obsession with the it crowd. i love moss. so much.~

~muffins at night with the best friend~

~date to sammy's (:~

(no picture sorry.. but the date was lovely!)

~reading lord of the rings, and jane eyre~

~getting 14 new movies (: that makes 1,020! yeah come watch a movie with me (:~

~debating on if i should or should not take the AP english test~

~chick flicks~

~tampons~

i hate you a lot t.o.m.

~snowboarding~

getting sunburned.. yay raccoon eyes!

well that's life as of late.

.

there's an awful feeling that hits your gut, when you're let down.
especially when it's your closest friends that let you down.

but i will be fine.

i'm going to move on. and smile. even when i don't want to.
because life just seems better with a smile.

"pity" party?

 you might ask what is a "pity" party?

well it would just be a group of girls getting together the night of a high school dance, to do something fun. because in all honesty they're trying to not dwell on the fact that they didn't get asked. and that they aren't dressed up in a pretty dress. and dancing with a boy. or being where the whole student body is really.

sweethearts is next saturday. 

wanna know how many "pity" parties i have been invited to?

three. 

now i have to sit and decide if i should go to the vow, or watch pride and prejudice, or go out to eat. 

they all sound fun. 

but,

why do girls feel like we need to have "pity" parties? 

it's a concept i haven't fully grasped. 

why can't we just go out and have fun to have fun? 

why do we have to say. "hey have you been asked to sweethearts? cause if you haven't me and a bunch of other girls are going to watch chick flicks and eat junk food, wanna come?"

don't get me wrong i have nothing against these "pity" parties. really i don't.

i enjoy them. because it's nice to do something, instead of sit at home by yourself, wishing you where at the dance. 

i just want to know why they have to be "pity" parties. it sounds so... pathetic. 

can we just say we're having a girls night? or a night out on the town? something that doesn't make us sound so.... loserish...? 

but hey it's almost valentines day. and we're all in misery. 

p.s. i'm really sorry if you love valentines day. i don't mean to rant and rave on it. but i just don't like it. and if you like it. good for you. i won't think any less of you. (: so don't think less of me that i loath it. 

also...

is anyone even going to this dance? cause i personally only know three people who are... 

great advice.

• We are all programmed to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk that means he likes you. 
• Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope
•  So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions. 
• If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you. 
• Gigi: Maybe his grandma died or maybe he lost my number or is out of town or got hit by a cab...
  Alex: Or maybe he is not interested in seeing you again. 

quotes from: He's just not that into you. 

i love this movie. 

alone?

not knowing what to do with yourself during lunch. because you have no friends. 

vacation please?

get me out of pg.
away from the cold wintery days,
and the piles of homework waiting to be done.
and the dramas of high school.

take me to a place that's warm and sunny.

so i can lay on the beach and listen to the waves crash against the shore, and let the sun tickle my skin. forgetting the world i left behind. not having a care as to what that boy thinks of me. or worrying about if i fit in or not. or dwelling on hurtful things people have said to me. please take me there. i need to feel relaxed. and i wouldn't mind a tan either.











if only life was really that simple 

because you can't run away from the drama, the problems, the heartache, and the whatever else boils your blood. 

does it ever get easier? 

will people become nicer?

does the drama ever end?

if you answered yes to all these questions i'd be happy.

but i don't think that'll happen. 

because if life were easy it wouldn't be hard. and we wouldn't learn, and enjoy the blessings of learning.

not everyone is nice. and some people never change. it's a matter of deciding if you are going to be the kind of person who is kind, and christ like. or if you will choose to be in a sense a brat.

and the drama? the worst of all? people will continue to be offended at the most ridiculous things. so don't let it get to you. smile and move on. 

to: a boy

dear boy,
do you realize you never really gave me a chance? you came into my life just about as fast as you left. i still ask myself why you left.. i know you didn't really leave, we were still really really really awkward friends. if you could even call it that. the reason i think we were so awkward is because i didn't know what to say to you, and i don't think you knew what to say to me. but we slowly came out of that, but then you found this girl. one of my closest friends to be exact. i pretended for a long time i didn't mind. but there comes a certain point when a girl can't pretend anymore. i feel a little bad that i can't just be happy for her, or you. i find myself hating that you drive past my house almost everyday to get to hers. do you ever wonder as you pass my house, "i wonder what bre is up to today?". i hate that she sometimes she doesn't tell me the whole truth, when i ask her to hang out. then i find out she's with you. boy..? why is she better than me? can you please tell me? it's hard knowing i wasn't good enough, but she is. this is a lose-lose situation for me boy. i'm glad i got that off my chest.

best regards.

breanna

scrambled thoughts

-i just want to know what he's thinking. what's going through his mind. why is it that sometimes we can be best friends. and other times we pretend to not notice each other. why is it that you show interest, and then suddenly it's not there. why is it that you want me to be a part of things that are in your life, but when i'm there, i feel like nothing but an awkward third wheel. why can't things just be normal? i'm not asking for things to go back to the way they were. because i know that wont happen. but can we at least  establish some sort of friendship. instead of this wishy washy love hate relationship thing we have going on..

- i've noticed that i judge people a little to quickly. or maybe that's not it. i just see what i want to see. or what i don't want to see. and i don't really give them the chance. but people are people. and i'm beginning to realize that no one is perfect. everyone has their corks, and i need to realize that just because people might seem odd, different, or maybe even stalkerish... i need to at least give them a chance.

- i'm beginning to realize i shouldn't have to change who i am for anyone. i just need to be me. and the right person will find me. and he will love everything about me. because i wont be fake. i will be nothing but breanna. the key is just waiting for him. which can be tedious. seeing how impatient i am.. but at the same time. i'm only 17 let's not worry about it! let's just live a little! or a lot!

- also tummy.. STOP HURTING. i'd really like to enjoy thanksgiving by eating more food than is healthy for your average human. but i can't really do that if your always making me feel like i wanna go and puke. do we have a deal?

well not that any of you really care. but this is what happens to be going through my head.

what are you thinking?

working out is bliss. that boy is attractive, but i find myself slowly giving up on him. quilting is a lovely hobby that makes me feel like an old woman. my room is a disaster, and needs a cleansing. new wardrobe is needed. inspiration with the camera is needed. (someone give me an assignment). nightmare before christmas needs to be watched. and i want michael buble's new christmas album, but can't buy it until after thanksgiving. because poor thanksgiving always gets skipped over by all the crazy christmas fanatics out there. millions of projects to get done for skull (aka school.. don't get the joke? then go watch winnie the pooh's grand adventure) but there is no desire to get them done, because they aren't due for a couple weeks. 

welcome to my life story as of today. 

back to reality

going back to school. not that great. having to deal with people you don't really like very much. lunch duty for spirit team (the beast lunch lady yelled at me the entire time.). dealing with boys that are either to good for you, or the ones that you wish would just leave you alone. a truck load of homework. getting school pictures back. (i wanted to puke). wearing my rain boots cause it was supposed to rain. (it didn't rain) 

on the bright side. the day is over. i vented to my friend on the way home over stupid boys who are just too cool for me. loser. you know who you are. and hey i was born into the deaf community today. got my name sign. ohh and i got to see friends. i sorta missed them a bit.

well here's to eight and a half more months of school.

yipee....