vented

is it bad to say i am sick of high school? that i entirely loath it? that i'm counting down the days until i graduate?  i'm ready to get out of this town. go somewhere no one knows me. have a fresh start. meet college boys. because the ones at high school aren't that great. be my own independent person. find out who i am.  maybe i'm just bitter. because my senior year isn't going the way i wanted it to. because a) i have no guy friends b) i don't get asked on dates c) i never hang out.. i clean and do homework. and when i do hang out.. we don't do anything.. but the whole.. what do you wanna do? thing. d) high school drama. need i say more. e) feeling like second best alllll the time. i could go on ranting and raving.. believe me. but i honestly don't think you guys want to hear it.. because i sure don't want to hear my self think it and/or write it. but you can't always pretend your okay. and you can't always be happy. and you can't always be mad. and you can't always be sad. i'm a human and i have mood swings.

don't speak for me. i have a voice. and it wants to be heard.






p.s. i applied to college today.. i'm scared out of my mind.

mortified?

mor-ti-fy |ˈmôrtəˌfī|

verb ( mortifies, mortifying, mortified ) [ with obj. ]

1 cause (someone) to feel embarrassed, ashamed, or humiliated: [ with obj. ] : she was mortified to see her wrinkles in the mirror | (as adj. mortifying) : she refused to accept this mortifying disgrace.

yes this is how i feel. 

and yes there is a story.

i'm at lunch. with my two best friends. mckinsey and tori. and well we were just strolling along, and i happen to notice a boy. we'll call him larry.. i guess.. anyway.. he happens to be standing a ways a way. and i say to kins and tori. "he is sooo cute..." and then things went down hill. the friends informed me that the boy i've been crushing on lately was.. well... standing a foot in front of me. he heard. gave me a weird look. and walked away. let's just say. if he didn't think i was a freak before. he does now. and it was the time i actually wasn't talking about him... cause usually i am... and he knows through the grapevine that i like him.. and now he just thinks i said he was cute almost to his face... great.. 

updates

family pictures. dad and i took them. 

footloose. amazing. and this handsome lad, happens to be my new celebrity crush.

this is been my recent life. movies and pictures. 

umm

i'm feeling the blog needs a new look. and possibly a new title.
but i don't know what to do with it.

also.. someone pleeeeease call me up.. before i lose my sanity.
i mean honestly what's the point of a break if your bored out of your mind?

As if I didn't struggle with my self esteem in the first place

scrambled thoughts

-i just want to know what he's thinking. what's going through his mind. why is it that sometimes we can be best friends. and other times we pretend to not notice each other. why is it that you show interest, and then suddenly it's not there. why is it that you want me to be a part of things that are in your life, but when i'm there, i feel like nothing but an awkward third wheel. why can't things just be normal? i'm not asking for things to go back to the way they were. because i know that wont happen. but can we at least  establish some sort of friendship. instead of this wishy washy love hate relationship thing we have going on..

- i've noticed that i judge people a little to quickly. or maybe that's not it. i just see what i want to see. or what i don't want to see. and i don't really give them the chance. but people are people. and i'm beginning to realize that no one is perfect. everyone has their corks, and i need to realize that just because people might seem odd, different, or maybe even stalkerish... i need to at least give them a chance.

- i'm beginning to realize i shouldn't have to change who i am for anyone. i just need to be me. and the right person will find me. and he will love everything about me. because i wont be fake. i will be nothing but breanna. the key is just waiting for him. which can be tedious. seeing how impatient i am.. but at the same time. i'm only 17 let's not worry about it! let's just live a little! or a lot!

- also tummy.. STOP HURTING. i'd really like to enjoy thanksgiving by eating more food than is healthy for your average human. but i can't really do that if your always making me feel like i wanna go and puke. do we have a deal?

well not that any of you really care. but this is what happens to be going through my head.

All American rejects

Last post? I'm not even gonna go there.. Rejection sucks. No matter how much you tell yourself it doesn't matter. There's still that sting of knowing he said no.. And wondering what is wrong with you. And you don't want to admit you're being to hard on yourself because in the end you still have to just face the fact that he still said no.

who would have thought?

i surprised myself tonight. and asked this boy on a date.












i'll let you know how that all goes down.

Awkward

Two things I kinda hate..

1. People who kiss at school. I'm sorry but that's not cute for anybody!
2. When the creep guy that works at hearts hits in me. Not okay pal!

story time.

i'd like to share with you a story. it'll be a story in pictures though. because i stink at writing. but these are some of my greatest memories in high school. and i feel like sharing them (:

dances

preference. 

this young lad was my date. 

And we epically fail at making gingerbread houses.

but the best part of this dance.
something most people don't know.
is i got a best friend.
and it's because she knew my date.
yeah he's the reason we started not being awkward friends. 

sweethearts

maybe not the funnest date. but i was just beginning to like a boy. (: (not the one in the picture)
and he was the first person who talked to me the whole day! (my date and group didn't talk to me.)
 he gave me a spectacular hug at the dance. and told me i was beautiful.
it was almost as if i was the damsel in distress and he was my prince charming.
and he rescued me. 

Sweater Swing

my date. 

we liked each other. and we had a doorstep scene (:
he kissed me in the spotlight on his porch with all my friends watching.
i really liked the time i spent with this boy.

Prom

we took our pictures at the temple.
you are all jealous. (:

my date. we had some good laughs.
and some awkward moments.
but it's okay. cause i got to wear my favorite dress. (:

your average days. 

acting like kids. (: 

going to the zoo with these kids (:

being spontaneous (: this was the greatest night. hahaa

cake fights. 

Trips 

ski trips (: 

we had some awesome moments during this trip.
involving crashing into trees.
and falling out of the ski lift. 

snowboarders are better by the way.

march madness baseball tournament it's a big deal!!

cruise (:

you might not get why all these events are some of my favorite memories. but i guess you just had to be there.

good [works]

good works great wonders (:

goods today..

- i enjoyed seminary. (which can sometimes be hard for me)
- shelton complimented me on my daily presentation. i like knowing i had a job well done.
- sundance ski passes. i can't wait for the snowboarding season.
- knowing i get to be the first to race my fish at lunch tomorrow (: your all jealous!
- being in a pageant. it's always been a dream of mine.
- finding out that people look up to me, and want to be like me.
- wearing a pretty dress. (even if it brought back some awkward memories)
- red lipstick. i'm obsessed.
- hanging out (doing gov. & cit. homework) with a friend, that i quite miss hanging out with.
- working on the S.P.F.H. (slide. project. from. hell. - dad named it not me)
- singing/screaming at the top of my lungs to the radio while driving.
- heels (:

who am i kidding?

sometimes my phone buzzes. and then i look to see whom it is. it's him and i get butterflies.

annoyed? yeah a bit.

i wish people would stop telling me i need to just go up and talk to him. because obviously it's more complicated than that. and they just don't understand.

what are you thinking?

working out is bliss. that boy is attractive, but i find myself slowly giving up on him. quilting is a lovely hobby that makes me feel like an old woman. my room is a disaster, and needs a cleansing. new wardrobe is needed. inspiration with the camera is needed. (someone give me an assignment). nightmare before christmas needs to be watched. and i want michael buble's new christmas album, but can't buy it until after thanksgiving. because poor thanksgiving always gets skipped over by all the crazy christmas fanatics out there. millions of projects to get done for skull (aka school.. don't get the joke? then go watch winnie the pooh's grand adventure) but there is no desire to get them done, because they aren't due for a couple weeks. 

welcome to my life story as of today. 

one day more

in less than 24 hours i will be on my way to park city. for..... quilting retreat!! this is a very big deal. it's better than christmas. (:

i figured out that..

a) apparently you read this blog
b) i don't like you. and i don't know why i ever did.
c) the perfect way to get aquatinted with him. (have my friend set me up on a blind date.. GENIUS!! i know (: )
d) waffle wednesday is devine. and it will be an anual thing.
e) carpooling is stressing me out more than school is.
f) i really need to learn to talk to boys. because i can't. i always freeze.. and it sounds like.. uhhh, ehhh. uhh.. ummm. uhh. and then i run. FAST.

Bleh

It's one of two things.
- I'm a terrible actress
- or people are just really good at guessing that I'm not okay.

this lovely lady tagged me.. soo here goes nothing.


Last beverage = chocolate milk. because plain milk is very yucky 
Last text message = the best friend. mckinsey
Last song you listened to =  take it all- adele 
Lost someone special = yes, it's a part of life i guess 
Been depressed = it's in my past. i now believe in being happy. (: 

 LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
construction cone orange, bear lake electric blue, and rain coat yellow

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
Fallen out of love= not love, just "like"
Laughed until you cried = you haven't lived if you've never laughed so hard you cried.
Met someone who changed you = obviously! is this a real question?

GENERAL:
How many kids do you want to have =  2 at the most
What were you doing at midnight last night =  writing in my journal 
Name something you CANNOT wait for= when i finally meet my prince charming 
What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = it would be nice if i was more outgoing 
What are you listening to right now= denver and zebbie watch popeye the sailor man
Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? Yep, my utah history teacher was mr. tom, but we just called him tom.
What's getting on your nerves right now = that i'm always the awkward third wheel  
Relationship Status = single. but i don't really mind.
He or She? =I am a She & I like He’s.
Do you have a crush on someone? = yes (: but he doesn't even know me.. i'm still working on that.
What do you like about yourself? = my hair. my height. 

RIGHT NOW:
Eating = nothing. i just ate dinner and i'm stuffed
Drinking = nothing
I'm about to = go workout. 30 day shred baby!
Feeling= headache. tired. but yet in a good mood.

YOUR FUTURE :
Want kids = most of the time
Get Married = in the logan temple
Career = national geographic photographer (:

WHICH IS BETTER :
Lips or eyes = depends 
Hugs or kisses = kisses 
Shorter or taller = Taller.
Older or Younger = Older.
Nice stomach or nice arms= It's all about those abs..

HAVE YOU EVER :
Broken someone's heart = i sure hope not, but i might have.. 
Had your own heart broken = unfortunately i have.
Turned someone down = yes. my efy counselor told me too.. it's not my fault!!
Cried when someone died = of course. i'm a ball baby. 
Fallen for a friend = mmhmm. been there. done that. 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
Yourself = most of the time.
Miracles = of course.
Love at first sight = most definitely 
Heaven = yes. yes i do.
Santa Claus = well.. not really.. i like thanksgiving.. 
Kiss on the first date = depends on who with. 
Angels = yes! (have you hugged an angle today?)

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
Did you sing today? = Yes, i always sing very load and obnoxious to the radio. ask my carpool 
If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? = i'd go back to that night and go visit you. cause apparently it would have made a difference. 
If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?= spontaneous night. (: 
Are you afraid of falling in love?= sometimes i'm scared of getting hurt. but then i realize i can't go living my life saying what if? and i live in the moment. (:
Do you like your life?= of course (: i love my family. i love my friends. and i love my life. it's that simple. 


now you go (: 
carrie, kinsey, linds

blustery

it's a blustery day. who wants to go get hot chocolate? and watch a movie? it'll be so fun! (:

you bloomin' idiot!!

we ask people to dances. we have some complications. it's okay (:

it all started out at the olive garden with my best friend and her parents. (i'm their second daughter, it's okay) and we decide to ask some gentleman to preference. so we brainstorm all dinner trying to figure out how to ask, because we live in utah, and we have to ask some creative way. finally we came to an answer thanks to kylee. 

the saying: Don't be a bloomin' idiot! will you go to preference with me? 

delivered with: flowers with rolls of paper on the steams one with our name on it.. the others saying stuff like

- nope

- keep going

- isn't this fun

- warmer

-warmest

- cold

-frigid 

- idiot 

 (you get the picture)

 

the next part of the story is when things get a little complicated. the asking. and let's be real every time you ask someone to a dance something goes wrong. it's a given! 

so starting at the first gentlemans house, kins and i had an argument on which house was his. ( i was right.. just saying..) so tori and i get out, and slowly walk up to his porch, i lay the stuff on his porch as tori dings the door bell. then we take off running. we both literally dived into kinsey's car! as tori yells "my phone!!!!!" and kins hits the gas and we book it out of there! we get to safety and we realize tori's phone is still laying outside of this boys house. so many emotions flew during these moments 

- kinsey: on the verge of tears, she thought for sure she had run the thing over in our great escape, or that the car now pulling out of his driveway was to hit it if she already hadn't. 

-tori: just repeating to herself "i'm an idiot!" "it's okay, i'm not worried about it.." "i'm an idiot!" 

- then there is me: i'm in the back seat. laughing so hard i'm almost throwing up! 

don't worry we rescued the phone, and it was not run over! 

then onto gentleman number two, once again tori and i exit kinsey's car, and walk up to his porch. i rang the bell this time. and we took off running. don't worry i almost face planted it. and looking back on it. if i hadn't caught my balance, i could more than likely have a busted nose, and missing teeth. this is no exaggeration. other than that.. nothing to epic happened at gentleman number two's house. 

and last but not least, gentleman the third. we get to his house, and well, tori and i decide, shoes off this time. or we really might face plant it. so we get all situated, and get out of the car. we take about two steps, and then at the same time kinsey (who is still in the car) and i see the person threw the window at the same time. the next few minutes consisted of screaming, jumping back in the car. and speeding out of there. don't worry we returned and took care of business, tori and i ran like mad woman down his semi sloped driveway. i literally dove into kinsey's car.. hahaa 

i would pay big money to have watched our faces on this lovely night! 

i haven't laughed so hard in a long time. 

my tummy still aches from the laughter, it's not a big deal. (:

thanks kins and tori. 

i needed that in my life (:      

random memory

so this boy.. that i'm in "like" with.. has been to my house in past adventures. i recently remembered this. awkward..

the week from not a happy place.

this has been the week. 

the week where i put on everything in my closet, but nothing looks good, and it all feels funny. 

the week when i feel alone in a crowd of my friends. 

the week where i can't fall asleep at night. 

the week where i look in the mirror, and i'm not happy with what i see. 

the week when everyone and their dog blows me off. 

wanna know something? 

i HATE feeling like this. 

hopefully next week is the week where i put something on and feel pretty and confident.

the week when i feel like a part of the group, instead of just like i'm tagging along.

the week where i sleep like a baby. 

the week where i look in the mirror, and i'm not criticizing my body, hair, and whatever else a girl can find to criticize.

the week where friends actually follow through and don't leave me with nothing to do but clean my room.

that would be really nice.

  

Thanks for nothing

Thanks for waking me up.
And then telling me multiple things I didn't want to hear.
You made my decision really easy though, when you wanted to know if I still like ''what's his face'' as you called him I told you it was complicated. And you finally got it out of me why it was complicated.The conversation that followed is where it became easy. Because it made me realize that I do like ''what's his face'' still. And maybe one day you'll realize that you missed your chance. But I feel like lately I've given you nothing but chances. And you won't take them. So maybe that's an answer in itself that you are just a player. And I'm only cool, fun, and Pretty when you want me to be. I hate to admit that I wish it would have been different. But it's not. So I can move on, and keep day dreaming about a boy who doesn't even know my name.
Once again thanks for waking me up.
Because now two hours later I still can't fall asleep.
To much to think about. Back pains. And I can't get comfortable.

thoughts

sometimes i wonder why bad things happen to good people. it's not really fair. but i have to keep telling my self life isn't fair. and it's all a part of my heavenly fathers plan. and i have to keep faith that everything will be okay. i'm going to pray for you good people. because it seems only fair for me to help you when you've helped me.