the water faucet kind of movie.

Have you ever had a day where all you need is a bowl of ice cream, and a movie that makes you cry? Just so you can get it out, so you can feel better? today's a day like that. all i want is a bowl of my favorite blue bunny wedding cake ice cream. and to watch titanic. unfortunately.. i'm movieless. and ice creamless. 

I shouldn't.

 I shouldn't be upset that my room is shortly going to belong to my sister.  I shouldn't be wanting to cut off all my hair. I shouldn't be checking my phone as often as I do hoping I have a text from that boy I've been missing, and I shouldn't feel let down when there's not. I shouldn't spend so much time on the computer. I shouldn't take things I have for granted. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I shouldn't care what others think. I shouldn't stay up so late.

I promise to do better. I really do. 

I wish.

Lately. I can't think of anything to write about. It makes me batty. I wish my blog was as good as the ones I read. But it isn't. And i'm sorry.

dear boy.

i wanted things to work out more than you could ever imagine. i was happy and content with you. even though things were never what you'd say "official". but when things didn't work out, it felt completely different how it ended, than it had when you'd broke up with me so long ago before. and everyone around me thinks that things didn't work out because that's just how you are. but i don't necessarily agree. in fact i don't agree at all. because it did feel different.  i really believe that it didn't work out for good reasons. like you said, you have a mission to prepare for. and i wouldn't dream of holding you back from your duty to the lord. and i am moving away in a matter of weeks.. or possibly even days. and i'll be meeting new people. we are both going to grow and change immensely.   don't get me wrong , it's still going to take sometime, in fact a lot of time, to get over you. and it's easier said than done trying my best to not be jealous when you talk to and date other girls. but i promise i'm working really hard on it. you also said we'd still be friends. i really think you meant that. even if we haven't talked in what seems like ages. but i'm holding to the fact that you did say we would still be friends. so i'm might take that liberty and write to you on your mission. hopefully you don't think that's weird or awkward. because i really want to. and maybe, i am a little curious to see what might happen after your mission. until then i'm not holding grudges, by staying hurt and mad. i'm going to consider you a good friend. and just leave it at that. 

for now. 

close call.

i wrecked my car today. it was awful. 

.

my heart is broken. but not in a way it's been broke before. i'm not even really sure i can explain it. but i'm going to try. because i need to vent about it. i can't let it weigh down on me anymore. i broke one of my best friends hearts. and in the process of breaking his. mine was broken. (not that i have a right to even be sad about this.. after all it is my fault..)  it could have been those small things you said to me that caused me to choke on tears, wondering why? why on earth you'd say that. after all we'd been through. or it could have been the fact that when i saw you at school for the first time since we'd ended things, that i still got that giddy flip flop feeling when i saw you. only to have it wrenched from me, like a bully stealing candy from a small toddler. because i realized, you didn't want to talk to me.. i thank you for being polite and at least saying hi to me. and showing me your awful sunburn. i am so grateful for that small tender mercy you gave me. maybe it's just killing me, because i thought i was okay. but in all reality.. i'm not.. i've been an emotional wreck today. crying on and off. realizing i've lost one of my very best friends. and knowing it's my fault. 

drama.

i didn't ask for this to happen. 

it just.

did.

a lack of inspiration.

i'm having a major writers block lately. it's irritating me. 

wow. really?

sometimes i wear grape juice.  all over my favorite clothes. it's lovely. 

this would be a result of three hours of sleep. yay...

a place in this world? or maybe just the high school..

have you ever felt like you're trying so hard to fit in? well i'm sure everyone has felt that way. but have you ever felt like you're trying to fit in with your close friends? the close friends that you can slowly see drifting away from you? this is about where i am in life. i don't know why. but i am. slowly one by one this year my friends have found bigger and better things. that being a boyfriend, a group of cooler kids to hang out with, or moving up the totem pole. somehow i got lost in the shuffle. school is a battle. i have plenty of friends. i've actually made new friends too. but, i don't have a group of friends. i'm in this awkward limbo where you don't have an automatic in (to any of the groups of people you talk to). it's that awkwardness when you don't know if you're invited or not. so should you just show up? or should you ask if you can come? or do you just awkwardly stand there and see if they'll invite you? i honestly hate it. so then i ask myself. "Why are you trying so hard to fit in? why are you chasing something that you can't catch up to?"then my reply to myself is. "even though you've been hurt, betrayed, and let down. you can't give up on friendships that mean the world to you. and you're not a quitter. and holding a grudge never helped anyone" so even if every day at school is a struggle for me to be the exciting friend i once was. i'm going to keep trying my best. and things will get better.

aunt erma is visiting..

Lately life has been a roller coaster. a roller coaster of emotions. and i'm blaming this roller coaster on the fact that i'm on my period. (i know more information than anyone wanted to hear.. but this lovely thing women deal with once a month.. really has an effect on me..) period. aka, t.o.m. is not on good terms with me. we have a hate, hate relationship. it wrecks my body. literally. my body hurts so bad that i waddle around like a pregnant woman. it makes me emotional. i cry. i cry a lot when t.o.m visits. it also drains me of all energy. i am sooo tired. i nap. (and i hate naps). can you see how i'm a roller coaster of emotions? so i apologize if you have talked to me lately and i look like this...

because really.. this isn't an exaggeration from my point of view..

also.. laugh with me.. laugh real hard!

.

i hate feeling... lonely

fail

never again. will i cook anything. 

alone?

not knowing what to do with yourself during lunch. because you have no friends. 

well... ummm.. yeah.

sometimes i feel like i don't fit in. or that i'm second best. 

please make this feeling go away.. i hate it. 

i'm having a major writers block.

failer.

this saturday.
i've..
done homework.
and..
more homework.
and..
more homework.

i have no life. does this make me a loser?

yes. yes it does.

mortified?

mor-ti-fy |ˈmôrtəˌfī|

verb ( mortifies, mortifying, mortified ) [ with obj. ]

1 cause (someone) to feel embarrassed, ashamed, or humiliated: [ with obj. ] : she was mortified to see her wrinkles in the mirror | (as adj. mortifying) : she refused to accept this mortifying disgrace.

yes this is how i feel. 

and yes there is a story.

i'm at lunch. with my two best friends. mckinsey and tori. and well we were just strolling along, and i happen to notice a boy. we'll call him larry.. i guess.. anyway.. he happens to be standing a ways a way. and i say to kins and tori. "he is sooo cute..." and then things went down hill. the friends informed me that the boy i've been crushing on lately was.. well... standing a foot in front of me. he heard. gave me a weird look. and walked away. let's just say. if he didn't think i was a freak before. he does now. and it was the time i actually wasn't talking about him... cause usually i am... and he knows through the grapevine that i like him.. and now he just thinks i said he was cute almost to his face... great.. 

dreaming

ever been really flattered a boy thought of you.
and then you found out who the boy was, and you might have been a bit disappointed.

story of my life