bored? maybe..

when my aunt sends everyone to bed at 10. i'm left to sketch, read, get on the computer. and wish my friends weren't two hours away. 

invisibly shaken.

Spending a couple hours with you, I found that you made me feel like I belong somewhere. You made me feel  happy. I couldn't wipe the smile from my face when I was near you. You made me laugh.  This was a devastating blow.

I know you're all thinking, the last sentence doesn't belong, it pains me to tell you it does.

I shouldn't be devastated. Or hurt. Or frustrated.

The reason why i'm so hurt and frustrated (and why my throat hurts from groaning at myself, and why my hand is sore from hitting my steering wheel so hard, and why my head hurts from sobbing) is because, it's so easy for me to love him. I just can't help it. And I knowingly set myself up for the hurt of the after math, as i've been beginning to realize lately, that I can't have his love in return. I honestly have no idea exactly how he feels about me, he's never said. but even if he loves me the way I find myself loving him. (which I think he does, otherwise we wouldn't keep finding gravity pulling us towards each other) he's put up walls. walls that are there for good reason. walls to keep us from getting to attached to each other, in a time of life where attachement could lead to catastrophe, and regret. but even understanding the motives of the walls completely. it still breaks my heart in a way that i'm not sure I can fully explain. other than, it's so hard knowing the boy I love, I can't have.

 I need to tell him how I feel. He thinks i'm angry at him. But I don't know how to explain to him. How do I state that i'm angry at myself for loving him, and not being able to let him go?


All heartbreaks are awful, but this has been the worst by far. In the words of dear Rodney i'm invisibly shaken.

the water faucet kind of movie.

Have you ever had a day where all you need is a bowl of ice cream, and a movie that makes you cry? Just so you can get it out, so you can feel better? today's a day like that. all i want is a bowl of my favorite blue bunny wedding cake ice cream. and to watch titanic. unfortunately.. i'm movieless. and ice creamless. 

ohh the joys of looking like a hippo.

i'm sick of soft food. i don't know if i'll be able to stomach anymore apple sause, pudding, mashed potatoes, and jello. i'm dying to have real food. my face hurts. all i've done the past three days is lay in bed. i got mad at him.. and i shouldn't have. and i find i miss him a lot. i'm finding i'm scared to start my new job and move to logan on sunday. i don't want to be lonely up there. and i'm going to miss my friends terribly. i'm needing a trip out of the house. i need to do something active.

this wisdom teeth business sucks. and it's put me in a terrible mood.

reality check.

i spent ten days in paradise. also known as lake powell.

however, against my will.

i was forced to return to reality.

also known  as pleasant grove.

and what was there to find in pg when i returned?

a total reality check.

life was no longer, waking up to the sound of a boat, or teenage boys having a war with spoons and coco puffs. i found that my days were no longer full of playing in the water, then basking in the sunlight until my skin became like a stove top, so i could return for more fun in the water. it was no longer having random dance parties, or eating food until i felt like a carp at rainbow bridge. it was no longer life in lake powell. 

what reality hit me with when i returned is no where near as pleasant.

in fact. 

it wasn't even pleasant.

i found that..

people can be immature, and hurtful.

when i have service.. about as many people text me as when i don't have service. hope you get that that means no one.

i find that i get so bored wandering around looking for something to do. so i cook. i hate cooking.

plus it's not good for my goal of being healthy. because cake bites are no where near healthy.

i blog. read blogs. start new blogs. 

pinterest. let's face it. that website is a vortex.

facebook. 

i need a summer hobby. 

pronto.

for a while there, i wasn't wanting to move to logan. but after this reality check. i can't wait to move and have a new adventure. and meet new people. 

 good thing i'm going to  logan tomorrow. 

even if ragnar is going to kill me.

close call.

i wrecked my car today. it was awful. 

.

my heart is broken. but not in a way it's been broke before. i'm not even really sure i can explain it. but i'm going to try. because i need to vent about it. i can't let it weigh down on me anymore. i broke one of my best friends hearts. and in the process of breaking his. mine was broken. (not that i have a right to even be sad about this.. after all it is my fault..)  it could have been those small things you said to me that caused me to choke on tears, wondering why? why on earth you'd say that. after all we'd been through. or it could have been the fact that when i saw you at school for the first time since we'd ended things, that i still got that giddy flip flop feeling when i saw you. only to have it wrenched from me, like a bully stealing candy from a small toddler. because i realized, you didn't want to talk to me.. i thank you for being polite and at least saying hi to me. and showing me your awful sunburn. i am so grateful for that small tender mercy you gave me. maybe it's just killing me, because i thought i was okay. but in all reality.. i'm not.. i've been an emotional wreck today. crying on and off. realizing i've lost one of my very best friends. and knowing it's my fault. 

drama.

i didn't ask for this to happen. 

it just.

did.

a place in this world? or maybe just the high school..

have you ever felt like you're trying so hard to fit in? well i'm sure everyone has felt that way. but have you ever felt like you're trying to fit in with your close friends? the close friends that you can slowly see drifting away from you? this is about where i am in life. i don't know why. but i am. slowly one by one this year my friends have found bigger and better things. that being a boyfriend, a group of cooler kids to hang out with, or moving up the totem pole. somehow i got lost in the shuffle. school is a battle. i have plenty of friends. i've actually made new friends too. but, i don't have a group of friends. i'm in this awkward limbo where you don't have an automatic in (to any of the groups of people you talk to). it's that awkwardness when you don't know if you're invited or not. so should you just show up? or should you ask if you can come? or do you just awkwardly stand there and see if they'll invite you? i honestly hate it. so then i ask myself. "Why are you trying so hard to fit in? why are you chasing something that you can't catch up to?"then my reply to myself is. "even though you've been hurt, betrayed, and let down. you can't give up on friendships that mean the world to you. and you're not a quitter. and holding a grudge never helped anyone" so even if every day at school is a struggle for me to be the exciting friend i once was. i'm going to keep trying my best. and things will get better.

.

i hate feeling... lonely

alone?

not knowing what to do with yourself during lunch. because you have no friends. 

well... ummm.. yeah.

sometimes i feel like i don't fit in. or that i'm second best. 

please make this feeling go away.. i hate it. 

i'm having a major writers block.

failer.

this saturday.
i've..
done homework.
and..
more homework.
and..
more homework.

i have no life. does this make me a loser?

yes. yes it does.