vent.

I'm itching to tell people my stories. But it's hard to when I get verbally attacked before I can even begin. Maybe I wasn't even gonna tell them all the details. I just wanted to tell them the funny part, about how I ended up getting locked out of my house. But you know, I guess it's whatever. I guess I can tell my journal, and my dog, and I guess my imaginary friend. Cause I personally think it's a great story.  And people need to lighten up, and not judge so quickly. Especially if they don't even really know the person. And maybe, just maybe. if they had let me tell the story. they'd have a different opinion about him. But I guess that's just an idea. 

I shouldn't.

 I shouldn't be upset that my room is shortly going to belong to my sister.  I shouldn't be wanting to cut off all my hair. I shouldn't be checking my phone as often as I do hoping I have a text from that boy I've been missing, and I shouldn't feel let down when there's not. I shouldn't spend so much time on the computer. I shouldn't take things I have for granted. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I shouldn't care what others think. I shouldn't stay up so late.

I promise to do better. I really do. 

close call.

i wrecked my car today. it was awful. 

.

my heart is broken. but not in a way it's been broke before. i'm not even really sure i can explain it. but i'm going to try. because i need to vent about it. i can't let it weigh down on me anymore. i broke one of my best friends hearts. and in the process of breaking his. mine was broken. (not that i have a right to even be sad about this.. after all it is my fault..)  it could have been those small things you said to me that caused me to choke on tears, wondering why? why on earth you'd say that. after all we'd been through. or it could have been the fact that when i saw you at school for the first time since we'd ended things, that i still got that giddy flip flop feeling when i saw you. only to have it wrenched from me, like a bully stealing candy from a small toddler. because i realized, you didn't want to talk to me.. i thank you for being polite and at least saying hi to me. and showing me your awful sunburn. i am so grateful for that small tender mercy you gave me. maybe it's just killing me, because i thought i was okay. but in all reality.. i'm not.. i've been an emotional wreck today. crying on and off. realizing i've lost one of my very best friends. and knowing it's my fault. 

wow. really?

sometimes i wear grape juice.  all over my favorite clothes. it's lovely. 

this would be a result of three hours of sleep. yay...

alone?

not knowing what to do with yourself during lunch. because you have no friends. 

well... ummm.. yeah.

sometimes i feel like i don't fit in. or that i'm second best. 

please make this feeling go away.. i hate it. 

failer.

this saturday.
i've..
done homework.
and..
more homework.
and..
more homework.

i have no life. does this make me a loser?

yes. yes it does.

vented

is it bad to say i am sick of high school? that i entirely loath it? that i'm counting down the days until i graduate?  i'm ready to get out of this town. go somewhere no one knows me. have a fresh start. meet college boys. because the ones at high school aren't that great. be my own independent person. find out who i am.  maybe i'm just bitter. because my senior year isn't going the way i wanted it to. because a) i have no guy friends b) i don't get asked on dates c) i never hang out.. i clean and do homework. and when i do hang out.. we don't do anything.. but the whole.. what do you wanna do? thing. d) high school drama. need i say more. e) feeling like second best alllll the time. i could go on ranting and raving.. believe me. but i honestly don't think you guys want to hear it.. because i sure don't want to hear my self think it and/or write it. but you can't always pretend your okay. and you can't always be happy. and you can't always be mad. and you can't always be sad. i'm a human and i have mood swings.

Bleh

It's one of two things.
- I'm a terrible actress
- or people are just really good at guessing that I'm not okay.

the week from not a happy place.

this has been the week. 

the week where i put on everything in my closet, but nothing looks good, and it all feels funny. 

the week when i feel alone in a crowd of my friends. 

the week where i can't fall asleep at night. 

the week where i look in the mirror, and i'm not happy with what i see. 

the week when everyone and their dog blows me off. 

wanna know something? 

i HATE feeling like this. 

hopefully next week is the week where i put something on and feel pretty and confident.

the week when i feel like a part of the group, instead of just like i'm tagging along.

the week where i sleep like a baby. 

the week where i look in the mirror, and i'm not criticizing my body, hair, and whatever else a girl can find to criticize.

the week where friends actually follow through and don't leave me with nothing to do but clean my room.

that would be really nice.