invisibly shaken.

Spending a couple hours with you, I found that you made me feel like I belong somewhere. You made me feel  happy. I couldn't wipe the smile from my face when I was near you. You made me laugh.  This was a devastating blow.

I know you're all thinking, the last sentence doesn't belong, it pains me to tell you it does.

I shouldn't be devastated. Or hurt. Or frustrated.

The reason why i'm so hurt and frustrated (and why my throat hurts from groaning at myself, and why my hand is sore from hitting my steering wheel so hard, and why my head hurts from sobbing) is because, it's so easy for me to love him. I just can't help it. And I knowingly set myself up for the hurt of the after math, as i've been beginning to realize lately, that I can't have his love in return. I honestly have no idea exactly how he feels about me, he's never said. but even if he loves me the way I find myself loving him. (which I think he does, otherwise we wouldn't keep finding gravity pulling us towards each other) he's put up walls. walls that are there for good reason. walls to keep us from getting to attached to each other, in a time of life where attachement could lead to catastrophe, and regret. but even understanding the motives of the walls completely. it still breaks my heart in a way that i'm not sure I can fully explain. other than, it's so hard knowing the boy I love, I can't have.

 I need to tell him how I feel. He thinks i'm angry at him. But I don't know how to explain to him. How do I state that i'm angry at myself for loving him, and not being able to let him go?


All heartbreaks are awful, but this has been the worst by far. In the words of dear Rodney i'm invisibly shaken.

missing you.

I've been wanting to have a summer fling since the summer after eighth grade, when I had my first fling ever. But that's not the summer I'd like to tell you about. In fact I try to sharpie out that summer in my poor brain. But the summer I'm talking about is the present. the now. like today. I wouldn't say I've had a fling. But I've fallen for a boy. I couldn't tell you if it's love. Because I'm not really sure what love is. (I'm only 18. I still have a life to figure that out. right?) But I'd like to think it's somewhere close to love. I'd like to think it's young love. Love that's not ready for commitment. But a love that has made us close friends, that keeps us finding our way back to each other. If that makes any sense at all. But here's the part where it all gets complicated. I'm in the process of moving 2 hours away. That leaves us weekends like the past weekend. When we went for a sunday drive. so we could catch up. we talked about life. and we laughed and had fun. And the way he kissed me goodbye made me swoon uncontrollably, it almost made me cry. Because it wasn't for certain when we would be able to see each other again. I'm going to miss him terribly.  I wanted to live in that moment forever. I wanted every night to end that way. But life has a different plan. And the plan is sending me off to logan. And keeping him here for a short couple of months until he leaves on his mission. I'm terrified. So many things can happen in two years. I try not to think about it. But on days like today it seems to consume me. It's hard going a week without seeing him. let alone two years. But i've also come to notice the time that separates us has made the time we are together more special. So maybe there's not a lot to worry about. right? I don't know I'm in a sticky situation. that has no right or wrong answers. and right now. All I can say is, I miss him terribly. And it's only been two days since I've seen him. 

I shouldn't.

 I shouldn't be upset that my room is shortly going to belong to my sister.  I shouldn't be wanting to cut off all my hair. I shouldn't be checking my phone as often as I do hoping I have a text from that boy I've been missing, and I shouldn't feel let down when there's not. I shouldn't spend so much time on the computer. I shouldn't take things I have for granted. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I shouldn't care what others think. I shouldn't stay up so late.

I promise to do better. I really do. 

.

my heart is broken. but not in a way it's been broke before. i'm not even really sure i can explain it. but i'm going to try. because i need to vent about it. i can't let it weigh down on me anymore. i broke one of my best friends hearts. and in the process of breaking his. mine was broken. (not that i have a right to even be sad about this.. after all it is my fault..)  it could have been those small things you said to me that caused me to choke on tears, wondering why? why on earth you'd say that. after all we'd been through. or it could have been the fact that when i saw you at school for the first time since we'd ended things, that i still got that giddy flip flop feeling when i saw you. only to have it wrenched from me, like a bully stealing candy from a small toddler. because i realized, you didn't want to talk to me.. i thank you for being polite and at least saying hi to me. and showing me your awful sunburn. i am so grateful for that small tender mercy you gave me. maybe it's just killing me, because i thought i was okay. but in all reality.. i'm not.. i've been an emotional wreck today. crying on and off. realizing i've lost one of my very best friends. and knowing it's my fault. 

drama.

i didn't ask for this to happen. 

it just.

did.

stress.

i think i might be under a bit of stress.

my eyebrows now lack some essential qualities. like. hmmm looking symmetrical. 

finding shoes for prom has turned into a mood rendering experience.. my heart is honestly set on heels. but i can't bring myself to wear them. because i can't bring myself to be taller than my date. but remember how my heart is set on them? that makes finding flats... nearly impossible. 

my mother may or may not have embarrassed me so much that the effect resulted in breaking down in tears. (i'm totally going to blame that on the fact that t.o.m. is visiting.)

i can't bring myself to log on to skyward, in fear of what i might find there. 

senior pictures? i have no idea where to do them. ideas? 

worrying that i'm going to die on ragnar because i never have time to run long runs. 

anyone have a stress reliever?

dear boy,

i found myself staring at your name for an hour while you were on facebook. just wondering if maybe you were staring at my name. thinking maybe you were waiting for me to start a conversation, while i was thinking maybe you would. this probably isn't the case. but i like to think that maybe your just as confused as i am. 

pros.. and.. cons..?

boy, i'm walking on thin ice for you. and any second i'm going to fall through. are you really worth it? this is where it get's complicated. because my head is screaming at me, get off the ice you stupid girl!!! when you fall in it's going to be freaking cold. and it's going to take more than the electric blanket you got for christmas, and a cup of kneaders hot chocolate to warm you back up. my head is really convincing. so i turn to go back to the safety of the shore, but then my heart butts in and stops me, and i remember the way i feel when you're  holding me in your arms. my heart is pretty convincing too. i look back, and i'm at a loss. i'm in limbo. i don't want to forget that feeling. and i don't want to fall into the icy water. a decision needs to be made. but that is easier said than done. are you going to let me fall through like you did the last time? when the ice cracked underneath me so unexpectedly. or will you catch me? it kills me to say i don't think you will. and i don't want to look like a fool when i come shivering out of the water, i can only imagine what my friends would be thinking about me.... "that's what you get for giving him a second chance." "we all saw that one coming.".... that would be hard seeing as i've been trying to convince myself that you're a different person then my friends think you are. and i want to believe myself. but how can i if i come out of that ice water, knowing that all those things my friends said about you were true. and i was just too caught up in everything to hear their advice. well boy,  i'm on the ice. so please don't let me fall in. is that to much for a girl to ask?

to: a boy

dear boy,
do you realize you never really gave me a chance? you came into my life just about as fast as you left. i still ask myself why you left.. i know you didn't really leave, we were still really really really awkward friends. if you could even call it that. the reason i think we were so awkward is because i didn't know what to say to you, and i don't think you knew what to say to me. but we slowly came out of that, but then you found this girl. one of my closest friends to be exact. i pretended for a long time i didn't mind. but there comes a certain point when a girl can't pretend anymore. i feel a little bad that i can't just be happy for her, or you. i find myself hating that you drive past my house almost everyday to get to hers. do you ever wonder as you pass my house, "i wonder what bre is up to today?". i hate that she sometimes she doesn't tell me the whole truth, when i ask her to hang out. then i find out she's with you. boy..? why is she better than me? can you please tell me? it's hard knowing i wasn't good enough, but she is. this is a lose-lose situation for me boy. i'm glad i got that off my chest.

best regards.

breanna

vented

is it bad to say i am sick of high school? that i entirely loath it? that i'm counting down the days until i graduate?  i'm ready to get out of this town. go somewhere no one knows me. have a fresh start. meet college boys. because the ones at high school aren't that great. be my own independent person. find out who i am.  maybe i'm just bitter. because my senior year isn't going the way i wanted it to. because a) i have no guy friends b) i don't get asked on dates c) i never hang out.. i clean and do homework. and when i do hang out.. we don't do anything.. but the whole.. what do you wanna do? thing. d) high school drama. need i say more. e) feeling like second best alllll the time. i could go on ranting and raving.. believe me. but i honestly don't think you guys want to hear it.. because i sure don't want to hear my self think it and/or write it. but you can't always pretend your okay. and you can't always be happy. and you can't always be mad. and you can't always be sad. i'm a human and i have mood swings.

annoyed? yeah a bit.

i wish people would stop telling me i need to just go up and talk to him. because obviously it's more complicated than that. and they just don't understand.

Thanks for nothing

Thanks for waking me up.
And then telling me multiple things I didn't want to hear.
You made my decision really easy though, when you wanted to know if I still like ''what's his face'' as you called him I told you it was complicated. And you finally got it out of me why it was complicated.The conversation that followed is where it became easy. Because it made me realize that I do like ''what's his face'' still. And maybe one day you'll realize that you missed your chance. But I feel like lately I've given you nothing but chances. And you won't take them. So maybe that's an answer in itself that you are just a player. And I'm only cool, fun, and Pretty when you want me to be. I hate to admit that I wish it would have been different. But it's not. So I can move on, and keep day dreaming about a boy who doesn't even know my name.
Once again thanks for waking me up.
Because now two hours later I still can't fall asleep.
To much to think about. Back pains. And I can't get comfortable.

complicated..?

well folks remember those stories.. it's been so long since i've blogged that i can't even remember them. all i have to say is i hate the end of term. so much. it's full of cramming all that last minute work in, to bump up the grade. and there is also the mountain of projects that are all due like on the same day. (i swear the teachers conspire with each other...) and with all this stress it results in 1. i'm breaking out bad! i hate acne 2. my room is a disaster because i don't have time to clean it. and when i do have time i take a nap instead. (i can't function when my room is a mess. so if i seem a bit edgy and off that would be why. 3. i am lacking sleep. i need the weekend. pronto. good thing it's wendnesday..  two more days.


but to make things more complicated..

remember this boy well as of lately i find myself wanting him to notice me. and i quite enjoy talking to him in class when we laugh about our funny memories.. and sometimes i go to visit him. and i get butterflies, and my knees shake.

do i really want to feel this way? after what happend the last time? all my friends hate him. i hated him up until like this week. does he deserve a second chance?? is this even going anywhere or am i over analyzing the situation...?

i don't want to deal with this right now. i was finally finding this other boy but he has no idea who i even am.. and i'm to scared to talk to him..

do i pass up an opportunity with one boy. to have a higher chance with a boy that has no idea i even exist.

i am over analyzing i'm sure.. but this is everything going through my brain.. as of this week..

sorry if i sound scatterbrained.. i just am.. give me a break. i'm riding a roller coaster of emotions.. it's fine.

cat got your tongue?

why is it that whenever i'm around you i'm at a loss for words? even though there are so many things i want to say. i just can't put them in words. you intimidate me. even though you really shouldn't. i'm more self conscious about myself when i'm with you. help me out here. cause all i WANT is to be your friend.