i hate it,

when all your friends blow you off. 

a sense of belonging.

lately i've lacked feeling of belonging. anywhere. not even at home.
let me explain.
at home, i'm rarely there. my room is no longer going to belong to me at the end of the summer after i officially move out. and i've come to notice that my family is moving forward with their lives without a bat of an eyelash, or a thought about me going away, or being gone. home the way i know it. isn't how i know it. it's how i knew it.
living in logan, staying at my aunts house as been great. and i'm so grateful they have takin me in. but. i'm having a hard time being a guest. i'm longing to feel comfortable. to be able to walk around in my underwear in the mornings, because i can.
friends? i miss my friends terribly. in fact more than i thought i ever would. i hate having no one to talk to. i'm longing to do something with someone over the age of ten. i spend way to much time by myself. and my cousin my age has been kind enough to invite me to do stuff with him and his friends. but, i hate being the awkward third wheel. i want my best friends at home. the ones i'm comfortable with. the ones who know i'm crazy. and love to have fun.

today it's hard to grow up. and it's hard to cope with change. it's overwhelming me. overwhelming to the point where i just cry.

i guess that's just a part of growing up. 

vent.

I'm itching to tell people my stories. But it's hard to when I get verbally attacked before I can even begin. Maybe I wasn't even gonna tell them all the details. I just wanted to tell them the funny part, about how I ended up getting locked out of my house. But you know, I guess it's whatever. I guess I can tell my journal, and my dog, and I guess my imaginary friend. Cause I personally think it's a great story.  And people need to lighten up, and not judge so quickly. Especially if they don't even really know the person. And maybe, just maybe. if they had let me tell the story. they'd have a different opinion about him. But I guess that's just an idea. 

lately i've found that i wish i could write something beautiful.
but nothing comes to mind.

close call.

i wrecked my car today. it was awful. 

.

my heart is broken. but not in a way it's been broke before. i'm not even really sure i can explain it. but i'm going to try. because i need to vent about it. i can't let it weigh down on me anymore. i broke one of my best friends hearts. and in the process of breaking his. mine was broken. (not that i have a right to even be sad about this.. after all it is my fault..)  it could have been those small things you said to me that caused me to choke on tears, wondering why? why on earth you'd say that. after all we'd been through. or it could have been the fact that when i saw you at school for the first time since we'd ended things, that i still got that giddy flip flop feeling when i saw you. only to have it wrenched from me, like a bully stealing candy from a small toddler. because i realized, you didn't want to talk to me.. i thank you for being polite and at least saying hi to me. and showing me your awful sunburn. i am so grateful for that small tender mercy you gave me. maybe it's just killing me, because i thought i was okay. but in all reality.. i'm not.. i've been an emotional wreck today. crying on and off. realizing i've lost one of my very best friends. and knowing it's my fault. 

wow. really?

sometimes i wear grape juice.  all over my favorite clothes. it's lovely. 

this would be a result of three hours of sleep. yay...

.

there's an awful feeling that hits your gut, when you're let down.
especially when it's your closest friends that let you down.

but i will be fine.

i'm going to move on. and smile. even when i don't want to.
because life just seems better with a smile.

.

i hate feeling... lonely

alone?

not knowing what to do with yourself during lunch. because you have no friends. 

well... ummm.. yeah.

sometimes i feel like i don't fit in. or that i'm second best. 

please make this feeling go away.. i hate it. 

i'm having a major writers block.

speak

once again, i have a voice. let me use it. okay? thanks.

failer.

this saturday.
i've..
done homework.
and..
more homework.
and..
more homework.

i have no life. does this make me a loser?

yes. yes it does.

vented

is it bad to say i am sick of high school? that i entirely loath it? that i'm counting down the days until i graduate?  i'm ready to get out of this town. go somewhere no one knows me. have a fresh start. meet college boys. because the ones at high school aren't that great. be my own independent person. find out who i am.  maybe i'm just bitter. because my senior year isn't going the way i wanted it to. because a) i have no guy friends b) i don't get asked on dates c) i never hang out.. i clean and do homework. and when i do hang out.. we don't do anything.. but the whole.. what do you wanna do? thing. d) high school drama. need i say more. e) feeling like second best alllll the time. i could go on ranting and raving.. believe me. but i honestly don't think you guys want to hear it.. because i sure don't want to hear my self think it and/or write it. but you can't always pretend your okay. and you can't always be happy. and you can't always be mad. and you can't always be sad. i'm a human and i have mood swings.

don't speak for me. i have a voice. and it wants to be heard.






p.s. i applied to college today.. i'm scared out of my mind.

Awkward

Two things I kinda hate..

1. People who kiss at school. I'm sorry but that's not cute for anybody!
2. When the creep guy that works at hearts hits in me. Not okay pal!

jealous..?

jealous is a feeling i feel a lot. i'm constantly comparing myself to others.

i want so badly to be vibrant, outgoing, different, and fun.

but sometimes i feel invisible. and people talk for me. and i'm just another face in the crowd.

i want just for once to stand out. and have the spot light on me.

i wish i wasn't scared to speak out. and make new friends.

i wish i knew how to talk to boys, instead of freaking out and stumbling over what to say every time i try.

sometimes it would be nice if i wasn't always that awkward third wheel.

i want to be one of those people who is friends with everyone. but it's hard when no one knows who i am.

it's weird to think that i know who so many people are, but they don't know me.

i don't like this jealousy. it puts a damper on my days.

if i ask nicely will it go away?

my answer is as good as yours... i have no idea.

so i guess i'll keep pushing through and hopefully one day.. it'll slowly subside.

and i'll find who i really am.

is this to much to ask?

 

dreaming

ever been really flattered a boy thought of you.
and then you found out who the boy was, and you might have been a bit disappointed.

story of my life

annoyed

i'm annoyed with people. so i'm sorry if i've been a brat to you recently. i just need to let go of some things. because i'm quite sick of being annoyed.