invisibly shaken.

Spending a couple hours with you, I found that you made me feel like I belong somewhere. You made me feel  happy. I couldn't wipe the smile from my face when I was near you. You made me laugh.  This was a devastating blow.

I know you're all thinking, the last sentence doesn't belong, it pains me to tell you it does.

I shouldn't be devastated. Or hurt. Or frustrated.

The reason why i'm so hurt and frustrated (and why my throat hurts from groaning at myself, and why my hand is sore from hitting my steering wheel so hard, and why my head hurts from sobbing) is because, it's so easy for me to love him. I just can't help it. And I knowingly set myself up for the hurt of the after math, as i've been beginning to realize lately, that I can't have his love in return. I honestly have no idea exactly how he feels about me, he's never said. but even if he loves me the way I find myself loving him. (which I think he does, otherwise we wouldn't keep finding gravity pulling us towards each other) he's put up walls. walls that are there for good reason. walls to keep us from getting to attached to each other, in a time of life where attachement could lead to catastrophe, and regret. but even understanding the motives of the walls completely. it still breaks my heart in a way that i'm not sure I can fully explain. other than, it's so hard knowing the boy I love, I can't have.

 I need to tell him how I feel. He thinks i'm angry at him. But I don't know how to explain to him. How do I state that i'm angry at myself for loving him, and not being able to let him go?


All heartbreaks are awful, but this has been the worst by far. In the words of dear Rodney i'm invisibly shaken.