take a sneak peak.

guess what, starting a new phase in life means... new blog.

take a gander...http://imincollegenow.blogspot.com/

i hate it,

when all your friends blow you off. 

those moments when...

- when no one recognizes you, because you're hair is colored, and have new bangs.
- when you see him at your brothers football game, and you both awkwardly wave. and that's it.
- when your pants that haven't fit you since sophomore year, suddenly fit again.
- when you get hit on by two creeps in the same week.
- when you are avoiding packing up your room.
- when you go boating. and just love life.
- when you get frosties with the best friend.
- when your family takes you to market street grill, and it's devine.
- when your great grandfather makes you laugh so hard, because he's quite the jokester.
- when you breakdown, and get mad. and realize... it's not worth it.
- when you listen to newly purchased music.


happy weekend.  

katy perry.

I went to the katy perry movie with my aunt and cousin today. it made me cry. is that okay? or does that make me emotionally unstable? i can't decide. but i can now truly say, i cry at every movie. haha i loved the movie by the way. and i love katy. she's great. 

bored? maybe..

when my aunt sends everyone to bed at 10. i'm left to sketch, read, get on the computer. and wish my friends weren't two hours away. 

a sigh of relief. for now.

finding that i can be brave, and write him a letter. finally telling him the feelings i've kept to myself, the journal, and this blog.

it felt good to be completely honest.

it also didn't feel so good to know i might have demolished our friendship. because i pretty much told him i love him. in sort of a round about way. not even really using the words i love you. but you can tell that's what i ment.

i'll keep you posted on what happens next with this boy.

for now, i'm gonna celebrate the fact that i actually had the guts to put that envelope in the mailbox. 

feet.

 Logan Canyon with Father, and Mother. Takin pictures and what not.

 Playing with Colton's pet frog.

Hanging out in my *thneeed* socks, cow blanket, and watching the olympics.


















I have a slight obsession. I have many pictures of my feet. and I decided today that I'm going to take a picture every day starting today, of my feet. so I can further more tell my story of where i've been. 

invisibly shaken.

Spending a couple hours with you, I found that you made me feel like I belong somewhere. You made me feel  happy. I couldn't wipe the smile from my face when I was near you. You made me laugh.  This was a devastating blow.

I know you're all thinking, the last sentence doesn't belong, it pains me to tell you it does.

I shouldn't be devastated. Or hurt. Or frustrated.

The reason why i'm so hurt and frustrated (and why my throat hurts from groaning at myself, and why my hand is sore from hitting my steering wheel so hard, and why my head hurts from sobbing) is because, it's so easy for me to love him. I just can't help it. And I knowingly set myself up for the hurt of the after math, as i've been beginning to realize lately, that I can't have his love in return. I honestly have no idea exactly how he feels about me, he's never said. but even if he loves me the way I find myself loving him. (which I think he does, otherwise we wouldn't keep finding gravity pulling us towards each other) he's put up walls. walls that are there for good reason. walls to keep us from getting to attached to each other, in a time of life where attachement could lead to catastrophe, and regret. but even understanding the motives of the walls completely. it still breaks my heart in a way that i'm not sure I can fully explain. other than, it's so hard knowing the boy I love, I can't have.

 I need to tell him how I feel. He thinks i'm angry at him. But I don't know how to explain to him. How do I state that i'm angry at myself for loving him, and not being able to let him go?


All heartbreaks are awful, but this has been the worst by far. In the words of dear Rodney i'm invisibly shaken.

bliss. pure bliss.

nothing is better than having your phone go buzzzzz, buzzzzz, and seeing the name of that boy appear across the screen. at least that's what i thought. i was completely wrong. there is something better. when you read the text and it says. "I'm in logan!!!!!!"

that ladies and gentleman, has put me in the best, giddy, blissful mood i've been in, in a very long time. 

maybe someday i'll catch a break.

it's good to know this is my life even here in logan.

this is my life almost to a t. i unfortunately haven't found an austin yet. so in the meantime, i'm stuck with guys like poor terry here, that don't know when to take a hint. and delight in stalking me. i guess it's whatever. and hopefully my austin is out there somewhere.

the avatar.

i'm sorry i've been a rant and rave type person the last couple posts. i'm just a little sleep deprived is all. but on a happier note... i have watched a season and a half of avatar the last air bender. because i've felt to sick (thanks to auntie flow) to do much else. and hey avatar makes me happy. i love it. and everyone else should too. 

the water faucet kind of movie.

Have you ever had a day where all you need is a bowl of ice cream, and a movie that makes you cry? Just so you can get it out, so you can feel better? today's a day like that. all i want is a bowl of my favorite blue bunny wedding cake ice cream. and to watch titanic. unfortunately.. i'm movieless. and ice creamless. 

a sense of belonging.

lately i've lacked feeling of belonging. anywhere. not even at home.
let me explain.
at home, i'm rarely there. my room is no longer going to belong to me at the end of the summer after i officially move out. and i've come to notice that my family is moving forward with their lives without a bat of an eyelash, or a thought about me going away, or being gone. home the way i know it. isn't how i know it. it's how i knew it.
living in logan, staying at my aunts house as been great. and i'm so grateful they have takin me in. but. i'm having a hard time being a guest. i'm longing to feel comfortable. to be able to walk around in my underwear in the mornings, because i can.
friends? i miss my friends terribly. in fact more than i thought i ever would. i hate having no one to talk to. i'm longing to do something with someone over the age of ten. i spend way to much time by myself. and my cousin my age has been kind enough to invite me to do stuff with him and his friends. but, i hate being the awkward third wheel. i want my best friends at home. the ones i'm comfortable with. the ones who know i'm crazy. and love to have fun.

today it's hard to grow up. and it's hard to cope with change. it's overwhelming me. overwhelming to the point where i just cry.

i guess that's just a part of growing up. 

gone trekin.

for something i entirely loathed four years ago, and refused to never do again. i was astonished at how much fun i had on trek. in fact it might be my second favorite thing i've done this summer.

i especially loved my family. they were amazing and we had a blast together. our experiences on trek consisted of..sitting on a school bus for 6 hours.. and we walked...and walked...and waited...and walked...and walked...and walked...and waited...and walked...and walked...and hydrated...maybe urinated (had to GO)...and walked...and walked...and walked...and pushed...BAGER HOLE!!! and pulled...and walked...and walked...and got rabies...and walked...and walked... and walked...and slept??? and walked...and walked... and walked... and blistered...and walked...and bled... and laughed...and cried...and walked... and screamed...and walked... and tents collapsed...and walked...and "iv"ed... and walked... and walked...and got wet...and walked... and ate...and walked... and got dehydrated...and "half-wayed"...and walked... and walked... and walked... and star tripped...and walked... at least we're not dead... yet. 

i love you anderson family! and our adventures (: thanks for helping me see that i can do hard things. and that i also don't have to do hard things alone.

small town.

This weekend has been one of the funnest weekends I've had all summer. I found I really love my job, and the people I work with. (especially jake. he's attractive). I also found that small towns maybe aren't as bad as I thought they were. 

Up in Cache Valley there is a tiny little town called Mendon. To get there you have to drive past the dump, and the swamps. But it's a pretty little town, and I mean gorgeous. the landscape is lovely. This little town called Mendon happens to be where my father grew up. I know your asking why would I care? And you probably don't. But, I've had the opportunity to be living up in Mendon at my uncle's house. It's been a blast. Especially this weekend. Because it was the annual Mendon Pioneer Day Celebration. And I should be completely honest. I usually hate dumb celebrations like this. But this celebration made an exception to the rule. I spent the day hanging out with my Dad's two brothers sand their families. And not to mention being dragged all over the place so Andy could introduce me to people. That wasn't much of an introduction. because he'd just ask people. "Do you know who this is?" "This is Mark's daughter." and then people would start in on stories about my dad. and saying i knew you when you were just this big. and they'd put there hand down in measurement of about the height of a three year old. and then they'd say, tell your dad hello. just about everyone in that town told me to say hi to dad. haha. I even met my dad's two best friends growing up. weird. anyway, I really am getting to the good part. My cousin who's my age finally took pity on me, and rescued me from the adults. He was kind enough to let me hang out with all his friends. Which I'm not going to lie was terribly awkward at first. Because they all knew each other. and I only know my cousin. so I was unfortunately the odd one out. but as the night wore on, I got talking to his one friend a lot. And after the fireworks he asked me for my number. yes (: a boy asked me for my number. total movie moment. I'm excited. I have at least one friend up there! and he's a cute boy! What more could a girl ask for?

I guess what I'm getting at is, I'm really enjoying living in Cache Valley. And i'm not so worried about making friends anymore. 

vent.

I'm itching to tell people my stories. But it's hard to when I get verbally attacked before I can even begin. Maybe I wasn't even gonna tell them all the details. I just wanted to tell them the funny part, about how I ended up getting locked out of my house. But you know, I guess it's whatever. I guess I can tell my journal, and my dog, and I guess my imaginary friend. Cause I personally think it's a great story.  And people need to lighten up, and not judge so quickly. Especially if they don't even really know the person. And maybe, just maybe. if they had let me tell the story. they'd have a different opinion about him. But I guess that's just an idea. 

missing you.

I've been wanting to have a summer fling since the summer after eighth grade, when I had my first fling ever. But that's not the summer I'd like to tell you about. In fact I try to sharpie out that summer in my poor brain. But the summer I'm talking about is the present. the now. like today. I wouldn't say I've had a fling. But I've fallen for a boy. I couldn't tell you if it's love. Because I'm not really sure what love is. (I'm only 18. I still have a life to figure that out. right?) But I'd like to think it's somewhere close to love. I'd like to think it's young love. Love that's not ready for commitment. But a love that has made us close friends, that keeps us finding our way back to each other. If that makes any sense at all. But here's the part where it all gets complicated. I'm in the process of moving 2 hours away. That leaves us weekends like the past weekend. When we went for a sunday drive. so we could catch up. we talked about life. and we laughed and had fun. And the way he kissed me goodbye made me swoon uncontrollably, it almost made me cry. Because it wasn't for certain when we would be able to see each other again. I'm going to miss him terribly.  I wanted to live in that moment forever. I wanted every night to end that way. But life has a different plan. And the plan is sending me off to logan. And keeping him here for a short couple of months until he leaves on his mission. I'm terrified. So many things can happen in two years. I try not to think about it. But on days like today it seems to consume me. It's hard going a week without seeing him. let alone two years. But i've also come to notice the time that separates us has made the time we are together more special. So maybe there's not a lot to worry about. right? I don't know I'm in a sticky situation. that has no right or wrong answers. and right now. All I can say is, I miss him terribly. And it's only been two days since I've seen him. 

for kicks. and some giggles.

they made me giggle. 

I shouldn't.

 I shouldn't be upset that my room is shortly going to belong to my sister.  I shouldn't be wanting to cut off all my hair. I shouldn't be checking my phone as often as I do hoping I have a text from that boy I've been missing, and I shouldn't feel let down when there's not. I shouldn't spend so much time on the computer. I shouldn't take things I have for granted. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I shouldn't care what others think. I shouldn't stay up so late.

I promise to do better. I really do. 

homeward bound.

I'm coming home for the weekend! I'm really excited. Possibly even a little to excited. I can't wait to see  my family and friends. I guess what I'm really getting at is, Cheers to the Weekend!!!